Why Do I Feel Like a Failing Mom?

I feel like a failing mom.

I’m not. I’m doing my level best. But still… the feeling of failure creeps in more often than I’d like.

There are days when I feel like I am killing it. I’m busy and I’m productive. Then, there are the days when I’m just impressed I’m wearing real pants.

The truth is, moms are busy. We are holding up our worlds by taking care of our kids, our husbands, our homes, and our jobs. Somewhere in there, we have friendships of our own we should be nurturing.

But as every mother can attest, doing anything for just yourself can make us feel selfish and guilty.

And it’s not only that we are doing all the things. We also want to feel good about what we’re doing.

I have a lot of reasons I could see myself as a failure right now.

I have a daughter who is way behind on her AR points in reading class. If you don’t know what AR points are, they are the work of the devil.

I have a daughter who had to stay for after school tutorials for two weeks because she wouldn’t turn in her homework.

The kids aren’t involved in any extracurriculars this year. This is huge for us. And it may seem selfish of me, but I just can’t right now.

I haven’t helped the kids study their spelling words… for weeks.

I forget a lot things.

I complain too much.

I yell.

I oversleep and end up rushing my kids out the door.

I lose track of time and we end up eating cereal for dinner.

I don’t have a “real” outside-the-home job and I don’t bring in any income to help with the bills.

If I’m not working outside my home, why isn’t my home spotless?

Seriously, we expect way too much of ourselves at all times.

Then there’s the whole, “My kid is rebellious and where did I go wrong?” question.

There are so many more reasons that I can struggle with feeling good about my mom skills. Those are just the most current ones.

Trust me moms. The circumstances will change with the growth of your child. But the feeling is the same.

Don’t let the feeling of failure rule you.

The fact is that we love our kids and that is enough.

There is so much we do right. And not everything is as big a deal as we think.

For me, it’s an ongoing process of asking, “How important is this?”

School teachers… be forewarned. You might want to skip this part. I don’t really care how many AR points my kids have. That’s right. I said it. If they can read on par with their grade level, I don’t care about points. (I have a kid reading below her grade level and choosing lots of simple books that don’t challenge her in order to meet her points requirement. Sad.)

Also, I can ask my kids if they have homework, but honestly, once they are bigger they can pretty much tell me whatever they want. If they left it at school it won’t even matter if I’m a “good mom” who checks her kid’s backpack. (I’m not. My kids better give me important papers if they want me to have them.)

You will have people tell you that if you raised your children differently/correctly, they’d bring everything home and give you important papers. (Eye roll)

Every. Child. Is. Different. At the end of the day, kids are going to be kids, no matter who they belong to.

Seriously, there is so much more to worry about. We can’t stress about every little thing. And we shouldn’t! Choose your priorities and focus on those.

I used to be a “good mom.”

I was the mom who had snacks waiting on the table for my kids as soon as they got home from school. Their backpacks got checked immediately after school and we had a set homework time right after snack. Everything was well planned and scheduled.

But as it does, life happened and shook up our routine. Circumstances changed, kids got older, and any time I had was suddenly gone.

The structure of our home has changed quite a bit since then. I’m the mom that asks questions, reminds the kids to get all their stuff, and refuses to make extra trips to the school.

Sidenote: They stopped forgetting things when they realized I wasn’t bringing it to them. Imagine that!

There are a lot of things that I can control, but there is at least an equal number of things that I have absolutely no control over. And those are not things I should blame myself for, even though I often do.

Let’s make a mom pact

Let’s stop seeing ourselves as failing moms. Let’s see ourselves as trying moms. Growing moms. Moms in transition. Let’s work on the things we can control instead of letting those things control us.

We live in a culture that normalizes yelling as everyday mom behavior. But believe me, it isn’t a cycle you want to live in. I’ve worked on it a lot and have gotten much better over the years. A friend recently asked me how I stopped and the answer is simple.

I realized what I was yelling about just didn’t matter that much. There’s laundry in the bedroom floor. The kids are being too loud. One of them chops their hair off in the bathroom without permission. Regular life, right?

It seems important at the time, but how important will it be next week when you have a whole new set of issues?

Still… every now and then I fall off the wagon and go down what my daughter calls “the wrath path.” (She thinks she’s funny.) I just have to pick myself up, apologize, and move forward.

I want you to do this exercise.

On a piece of paper, make a list of reasons that you think you’re a good mother. On the other side, make a list of reasons you think you’re failing. Seriously. Stop reading this and do it.

Done? Great! Now think of a person you see as a great mom. It could be a friend, a family member, or even your own mom. Call them. Ask them if they do any of the things on your ‘failure’ list. I can guarantee they do.

Wouldn’t it make sense that if those things make you a failing mom, they make that person a failing mom, too? But you would never think of them that way, so stop thinking of yourself that way!

The most important thing

The most important thing as a mom is that you love your kids. That’s what they’re going to remember. So go easy on yourself. You aren’t failing. You’re learning, just like the rest of us. No one has it all together, and if they tell you they do, punch them in the throat because they are a liar. (Don’t really punch them. Just mentally, because I don’t want you to go to jail!)

I’d love to hear some of the areas where you struggle, or some things you’ve learned along the way to overcome the feeling of failure. We’re all on the same road. Let’s learn together!