Do High School Friendships Really Last?

How many friends do you have from your school years?

This was a question asked of me by one of my kids’ friends.

“My mom says friendships from school usually don’t last. She has one or two. Do you have any?”

My answer? “You’re mom is right, kid.”

We all still talk to people from our school years from time to time, whether that be in person or on a social media platform. But how many of us have kept strong, meaningful relationships with friends for life? And how many friends?

As kids, our friends were basically determined by who was in our class. Those kids that we saw most often became our friends. We played on the playground together. We ate lunch together. Then we went home.

Then in middle school, everything changed. Multiple elementary schools merged and we were all thrown into a bag, mixed up, and redistributed with a lot of people we didn’t know. We were forced to make new friends with the people we were now spending our days with.

High school was a chance to make friends who thought like we did. Being able to choose elective classes, clubs, and extracurricular activities provided an avenue to make friends with similar interests. We also got a lot more time to spend with these people outside of school.

Yet, adolescents are still feeling their way through their identity. And all of the uncertainty of self doesn’t necessarily make for a solid friend foundation.

Our friends helped us shape our identity. As we learn more about ourselves and mature, those bonds will either strengthen or break under the weight of change. It happens too often to deny.

I read an article recently about friendship. The title was something like, ‘Why Your High School Friends Will Always Be Your Best Friends.’ Of course, it has some good ideas in there but this article, written by a young twenty-something, not yet married, with no kids, is not the best representation of reality.

The reality is that as you mature, as you make life decisions, your priorities change. Your schedule changes. Even your location may change. Adulthood brings so many forks in the road… marriage, kids, careers. And the paths that you choose may lead you in a different direction than your friends.

Does that mean that you aren’t friends anymore? Absolutely not. It just means that they’ve moved to an outer circle of your friend group.

Think of your friend group like a target. In the center are your super close friends. The people you turn to when you’re having a hard time or when you need advice. You can talk to them about anything. They are your besties.

The next circle is of friends that you see or talk to often, and while you can talk about real life stuff to them, you aren’t going to share intimate details with this group. These are your good friends.

The next circle contains friends that you can swap stories with, hang out with in a group, and encourage. These people are friends. You know them better than acquaintances but they just aren’t super close to you.

The last circle is acquaintances. These are people you know by name, you exchange pleasantries with, and with whom you can hold a nice conversation about nothing too important.

Outside of that is just the general public. You don’t know them and they dont know you but you do that awkward ‘smile at the strangers’ thing as you pass by anyway.

According to a study by Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary anthropologist in England, a person is generally connected with about 150 people in one way or another. (I realize that people have hundreds of Facebook friends or thousands of Instagram followers, but generally they are only connected with 150 people at any given time.) Of all those people, Dunbar found that the average person has only 2 best friends.

Another (amazing) thing that Dunbar found is taking on a new relationship will cost you two friends. I can attest to this hypothesis. It was true for me. Like I said, it creates different priorities and friends start drifting between the circles.

And. That’s. Okay!

It’s part of life. When we understand that then we can see our friendships as living, breathing, evolving things. They have to evolve because, as people, we are always changing. We can’t expect that our best friends from 10th grade will always have the same ideals and priorities as we do. Or that they’ll change in the same ways or at the same pace. It isn’t fair to us or to them. And once we really get that, we can stop being offended by friends who move out of our lives.

So no. It’s highly unlikely that you will remain best friends with all your peeps from high school. Not impossible, just unlikely. It is, however, completely within the realm of possibility to keep one or two of those friends.

I have a friend that I have known since before kindergarten. Our families went to church together and we grew up together in a small town. We kept a friendship (sometimes distant) throughout our school years but in high school marching band we really reconnected.

I made another friend in 6th grade. New school. New classes. New people. It was scary but I remember her as the first friend I made. We had our trying times but instead of letting middle school girl drama tear us apart, we came back stronger than ever. That was 20 years ago and while I don’t get to talk to her as much as I’d like, I think of her as my best friend.

There was another friend that I, unfortunately, lost touch with for a while after going our separate ways to college. We sent each other a couple of letters in our adulthood, postage stamps and all. But when we found each other on Facebook it allowed us a chance to schedule dinner, face-to-face. It’s a thing that doesn’t happen often so I rely on social media to keep in touch.

Another life long friend was met in college, not realizing that she went to the same school I did just a few years ahead of me and lived about a block from my sister. It was amazing how quickly we fell into a friendship and how easy it’s been to maintain.

Three of these friends still live near the area that we met and grew up. One lives in a southern state. I moved 1000 miles away to East Texas. We rarely get to see each other. We talk on the phone, text, or message through social media. Not nearly enough. Maybe once every 6 months.

But I know that when I call, they’ll be there. I would do anything for these ladies.

I’m so thankful that I have friends from throughout the years, because it is so rare. And I’m equally thankful for the great friends I’ve made here in my new home. I could not live the life I do without the support and encouragement of every one of them.

I pray that each of you has an amazing network of friends and encouragers, whether old or new. And I pray that you would be that friend to others.

So how would you have answered that question? Do you still have friends from school that are your best friends now? Do you have more than the average of 2 super close besties? Let me know in the comments!